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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Finally, I duck into a pub on the corner of Main and Abbey. It’s cozy, and the smell of chips is heavenly. I order a pint and just chill. The locals are chatting, and I’m eavesdropping like a pro. They’re talking about the GAA match this weekend. I’m like, “I should probably know more about this.”

Na Fianna’s late run pips Loughrea to All-Ireland club SHC final berth